How to improve self-esteem: the signs it’s low and what helps

Self-esteem usually improves less from telling yourself you’re great and more from changing how you treat yourself day to day: questioning harsh judgements instead of believing them, doing things that matter to you even while you doubt yourself, and noticing the evidence that you cope. Low self-esteem is common, it tends to have understandable roots, and it can change.

What is self-esteem, exactly?

Self-esteem is how you feel about your own worth overall. Sociologist Morris Rosenberg, whose 1965 questionnaire is still one of the most widely used measures of it, described it as your general attitude towards yourself: whether, on the whole, you see yourself as a person of worth.

That’s different from confidence in a particular area. You can be sure of yourself at work and still feel, underneath, that you’re not good enough as a person. You can also feel shaky about a new skill while being basically at peace with who you are.

Healthy self-esteem isn’t thinking you’re better than other people. It’s a realistic, accepting view: you have strengths and weaknesses, you make mistakes, and you’re still as worthy as anyone else. People with steady self-esteem tend to find it easier to bounce back from setbacks, ask for what they need and set boundaries.

What are the signs of low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem shows up less as one big feeling and more as a set of habits. You might recognise some of these:

• A harsh inner voice that calls you stupid, useless or a failure when something goes wrong.
• Brushing off compliments while holding on to every criticism.
• Constant comparison, usually with the people who seem to be doing best.
• People-pleasing: finding it hard to say no, or putting everyone else’s needs first.
• Avoiding challenges in case you fail, or not applying for things you’d like.
• Perfectionism: working far harder than needed so nobody can find fault.
• Needing reassurance, and struggling to believe it when you get it.
• Feeling like a fraud, as if your successes were luck and you’ll be found out.
• Assuming people think badly of you, or will leave once they really know you.

Everyone has some of these some of the time. They point to low self-esteem when they’re the usual pattern rather than the occasional bad day.

In relationships, low self-esteem can show up as a constant fear that a partner will lose interest, and a need for regular signs that they still care. If that’s familiar, the post on anxious attachment in relationships may help make sense of it.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

For most people, low self-esteem grows out of experience rather than any flaw in them. Common roots include:

• growing up with criticism, high pressure, neglect or love that felt conditional on doing well;
• being bullied, excluded or treated as different;
• discrimination, which repeatedly sends the message that you count for less;
• difficult relationships, at home or at work, where you’re put down;
• long periods of stress, such as illness, money problems, unemployment or caring for someone.

In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), low self-esteem is often understood as a deep belief about yourself, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable”, formed from experiences like these. People then develop rules to protect themselves from that belief: “If I never make mistakes, I won’t be rejected”, or “If I always put others first, they’ll keep me around”.

Those rules make sense, but they keep the belief alive. If you never risk a mistake, you never find out that you could survive one. If you only feel acceptable when you please people, every “no” feels dangerous. That’s why the practical steps below focus on gently breaking the rules, not just thinking differently.

Do positive affirmations help low self-esteem?

Not always, and for some people they backfire. In a study by Joanne Wood and colleagues, people with low self-esteem who repeated the phrase “I’m a lovable person” ended up feeling worse about themselves, while people who already had high self-esteem felt slightly better.

The likely reason is that a statement you don’t believe invites your mind to argue with it, and the counter-arguments are the thing you were trying to quiet. What tends to work better is something more believable: “I handled that better than I expected”, “I made a mistake, and I’m learning”, or “I’m allowed to be here”.

Being kind to yourself also works differently from praising yourself. Self-esteem asks whether you’re good enough. Self-compassion skips that question and treats you kindly either way, which is often easier to believe when your self-esteem is low. The post on being less hard on yourself explains how.

How can you improve your self-esteem?

The most reliable way is to collect real experiences that contradict the old belief, a little at a time. These steps come from the kind of work often done in CBT, and you can start them on your own.

Catch the critic and answer it

When you notice a harsh thought, like “I’m useless”, write it down. Then ask: what’s the evidence for and against it? What would I say to a friend who thought this about themselves? Is there a fairer way to put it? You’re not trying to replace it with something glowing, just something more accurate.

Write down one thing you did well each day

Low self-esteem filters out anything good. Counter that by writing down, each evening, one or two things you did well, coped with, or that showed a quality you value. Keep them small and specific: “I made the phone call I’d been dreading” counts. Over a few weeks the list becomes evidence that’s hard to dismiss.

Do things before you feel ready

Waiting until you feel confident usually means waiting forever. Pick one small thing you’ve been avoiding because you might fail or be judged, and do it. Whatever happens, you learn something the old belief didn’t predict: either it went fine, or it didn’t and you coped.

Practise saying no

Start with low-stakes situations: declining an extra task, or saying which film you’d prefer. Notice that people rarely react as badly as you feared. Each time, the rule that you must please everyone loosens a little.

Spend time with people who treat you well

The people around you shape how you see yourself. Notice who leaves you feeling better about yourself and who leaves you feeling smaller, and where you can, give more time to the first group. Cutting down time on social media, where comparison is built in, can help too.

Look after the basics

Sleep, movement, food and time outdoors don’t fix self-esteem, but when they slip, the critic gets louder. Treating your body with care is also a small daily message that you’re worth caring for.

If the harsh thoughts tend to loop, especially at night, getting out of an overthinking loop has practical ways to step out of them.

Can self-esteem be too high?

Self-esteem that’s healthy is rarely a problem. What causes trouble is self-esteem that’s inflated or fragile: needing to feel superior, and reacting badly to any hint of criticism. That kind often hides insecurity underneath.

It’s also worth knowing that self-esteem isn’t a cure-all. A large review of the research led by psychologist Roy Baumeister in 2003 found that high self-esteem, on its own, did little to improve how well people did at school or work. It did tend to go with feeling happier. So the point of building self-esteem isn’t to become more impressive. It’s to live with less fear and more ease.

Is low self-esteem a sign of depression or anxiety?

It can be. Low self-esteem often travels with depression, social anxiety and other kinds of anxiety, and the two can feed each other: feeling worthless lowers your mood, and low mood makes you see yourself even more harshly. Feeling bad about yourself, or that you’re a failure, is one of the questions doctors use to check for depression.

If you’ve felt low or empty for two weeks or more, lost interest in things you usually enjoy, or feel worthless most days, it’s worth talking to a doctor. The post on sadness and depression helps you tell the two apart. If the feeling of worthlessness turns into thoughts of harming yourself, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line straight away.

How do you know where your self-esteem stands?

A short questionnaire can give you a baseline, which is useful because self-esteem is hard to judge from the inside and changes with what’s going on in your life. The self-esteem test uses the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale: ten short statements about how you see yourself, taking about 3 minutes. Half are worded positively and half negatively.

Your total runs from 0 to 30, and higher means a more positive, accepting view of yourself. In Sprout, scores from 0 to 14 are described as being hard on yourself, 15 to 25 as a balanced view of yourself, and 26 to 30 as a warm view of yourself. It isn’t a diagnosis and it doesn’t measure your abilities. It’s most useful compared with your own earlier results, so retaking it about once a month while you work on the steps above shows whether things are moving.

If you’d like to look at how you treat yourself when things go wrong, the self-compassion questionnaire is a useful companion.

When is it worth getting help with self-esteem?

It’s worth getting help if low self-esteem has lasted a long time, is holding you back from things you want, or comes with low mood or anxiety. Talking therapies, including CBT, often work directly on self-esteem, and a doctor can tell you what’s available where you live.

You don’t need to wait until things are very bad. Many people find that a few sessions with a therapist give them tools that would have taken years to find alone.

Where to start

Choose one step from this list and do it for two weeks: the daily note of something you did well is the easiest to begin with. Notice the critic without obeying it, and do one small thing you’ve been avoiding. To see where you’re starting from, take the Rosenberg self-esteem questionnaire now, then again in a month. Change is usually gradual, and it counts even when it’s small.